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ÇOCUK VE DÜRÜSTLÜK

Bir zamanlar iyice yaşlanmış olan ve artık bir veliaht seçmesi zamanının geldiğini anlayan Çinli bir hükümdar vardı. Vezirlerinden veya çocuklarından birisini veliaht seçmek yerine, farklı bir şey yapmaya karar verdi bu hükümdar. Ülkesindeki bütün gençleri huzuruna çağırdı ve onlara şöyle seslendi:
“Artık tahttan çekilmemin ve yerime yeni bir hükümdar seçmemin vakti geldi. Hükümdar olarak içinizden birisini seçeceğim.”
Gençler bu sözleri şaşkınlıkla dinliyorlardı. Hükümdar devam etti:
“Bugün her birinize bir tohum vereceğim, sadece tek bir tohum! Ama bu çok özel bir tohum! Hepinizin evlerinize dönüp o tohumu ekmenizi, sulamanızı ve bir yıl sonra tohumdan çıkan bitkiyle geri gelmenizi istiyorum. O zaman bana getireceğiniz bitkiler hakkında hüküm verip benden sonra tahta geçecek hükümdarı seçeceğim.”
Saraya çağrılanlar arasında bir de Ling isimli genç vardı. Herkes gibi ona da bir tohum verildi. Ling, eve dönüp başından geçenleri heyecanla annesine anlattı. Annesi ona bir saksı ve biraz da toprak verdi. Ling, tohumu itinayla ekti, onu güneş ışığı görebileceği bir pencere kenarına koydu. Her gün saksıya su vererek bitkinin tohumun açıp açmadığını kontrol etti.
Üç hafta kadar sonra, Ling’in mahallesindeki gençlerden bazıları tohumlarının nasıl açtığını, bitkilerin nasıl büyümeye başladığını anlatmaya başladı. Ling bu sözleri duyduktan sonra her defasında eve gidip kendi tohumunu kontrol ediyordu. Gel gelelim, saksının içinde büyümüyor, hiçbir şey görünmüyordu. Haftalar birbirini kovaladı, ama değişen hiçbir şey olmadı.
Bu arada, Ling’in arkadaşları ballandıra ballandıra saksılarındaki çiçeklerden bahsediyordu hep. Ling’in ağzını ise bıçak açmıyordu, çünkü hakkında konuşacağı bir çiçeği yoktu. Elinde toprak dolu bir saksı vardı sadece. Artık başarısız olduğunu kabullenmeye başlamıştı.
Aradan altı ay geçti. Ling’in saksısında çiçekten eser yoktu hâlâ. Tohumunu çürüttüğüne kanaat getirmişti Ling. Başka herkesin kocaman çiçekleri, ya da ağaç fidanları olmuştu, ama onun koca bir saksısı, o kadar!
Nihayet bir yıllık süre tamamlandı ve ülkenin gençleri yetiştirdikleri bitkileri karar vermesi için hükümdarın huzuruna getirdiler. Ling, annesine boş bir saksıyı hükümdara götüremeyeceğini söylediyse de annesi saksıyı götürmesini ve dürüst davranmasını öğütledi. Ling’in sıkıntıdan karnı bile ağrıdı, ama annesinin haklı olduğunu bildiğinden sözünü tuttu. Böylece o da boş saksıyı saraya götürdü.
Saraya ulaştığında diğer gençlerin getirdiği çeşit çeşit bitkiler karşısında hayrete düştü. Hepsi de güzel renklerde, güzel biçimlerdeydi ve nefis kokular yayıyorlardı. Birbirlerine çiçeklerini nasıl böyle güzel yetiştirdiklerini ciddi ciddi anlatan diğer gençler, Ling’in elindeki boş saksıyı görünce kahkahalarla güldüler. Birkaçı da onun durumuna üzüldü ve omzuna dokunup:
“Boş ver, elinden geleni yapmışsın!” diye teselli etti.
Hükümdar gençlerin yanına geldi ve bitkileri inceledi. Bu sırada, Ling arkalara kaçıp gizlenmeye çalışıyordu. Hükümdar:
“Ne kadar da büyük ağaçlar ve çiçekler yetiştirmişsiniz öyle! Bugün içinizden birisi yeni hükümdar olarak tayin edilecek,” dedi.
Birden, imparator elinde boş saksıyı tutan Ling’i gördü. Hemen, muhafızlarına onu yanına getirmelerini emretti. Ling korkudan titremeye başladı ve kendi kendine: “Hükümdar başaramadığımı gördü, herhâlde beni öldürtecek!” diye düşünüyordu.
İmparator, yanına getirilen Ling’in ismini sordu, o da cevapladı. Diğer gençlerin hepsi gülmeye ve kendi aralarında Ling’le alay etmeye başladılar. Hükümdar bir el hareketiyle hepsini susturdu. Ling’i yanına aldı, sonra da kalabalığa ilan etti:
“Yeni imparatorunuzu selamlayın! Adı Ling!”
Ling kulaklarına inanamadı. Tohumundan tek bir filiz bile çıkmamışken nasıl imparator olabilirdi ki? Hükümdar konuşmasına devam etti:
“Bir yıl önce her birinize bir tohum verdim, onu ekip sulamanızı istedim ve bir yıl sonra da bana getirmenizi istedim. Ama sizlere verdiğim tohumların hepsi kaynatılmıştı ve dolayısıyla da filiz açmaları mümkün değildi. Ling hariç hepiniz bana çeşit çeşit ağaçlar, bitkiler ve çiçekler getirdiniz. Tohumunuzun büyümediğini görünce, size verdiğim tohumun yerine başka bir tohum ektiniz. İçinizden sadece Ling, kendisine verdiğim tohumun olduğu saksıyı bana getirme cesaretini ve dürüstlüğünü gösterebildi. Bu yüzden, yeni imparatorunuz o olacak!”

Dürüst; özünde ve davranışlarında doğruluktan ayrılmayan, doğru kimse demektir. “Doğru” ise; gerçek, hakikat, yalan olmayan, yanlışsız, eksiksiz bir biçimde demektir (TDK, 2012).
Doğruluk kavramıyla bu denli iç içe geçen dürüstlük değerinin, doğruluğun bir ifadesi ve göstergesi olduğunu söylemek bu nedenle mümkündür. Yani doğru işler yapan birinin aynı zamanda dürüst de olduğu düşünülebilir.

Çocuklar neden dürüstlükten ayrılır?

Özgüven eksikliği: Çocuklar başkaları tarafından takdir görmek ve kendilerine değer verilmesi için dürüstlükten ayrılabilirler.

Çocuk, hayallerini gerçekmiş gibi söyleyebilir. Özellikle 5-6 yaşına kadar çocuklar hayalle gerçeği ayırt edemeyebilirler. “Hayalini mi ifade ediyor, yoksa yalan mı söylüyor…” ebeveyn ilk olarak bunu tespite çalışmalıdır.
Gözle görülen bir gerçeği çocuklarından da duymak için zorlayan ailelerdeki çocuklarda dürüstlükten ayrılma gözlemlenebilir.

Beğenilmeyen ve yaptıkları çok eleştiri alan çocuklarda yalana meyil artar.

Çevrenin çocuktan yüksek beklentilere girmesi de çocuğu doğruluktan ayrılmaya teşvik edebilir. Örneğin; yarışmada kendisinden birincilik bekleyen büyüklerine, dereceye giremeyince, “Okuldaki şiir okuma yarışması iptal edildi.” diyerek tenkit edilmekten kurtulmaya çalışabilir.

Ailede, çevrede, bir arkadaşının ya da büyüğünün doğru söylemediğini görmesi, çocuğun bu davranışı örnek almasına sebep olabilir.

Çocuğun stresli bir ortamda olması dürüst olmasını engelleyebilir. Yeni bir kardeşin dünyaya gelmesi, çocuğun ebeveynleri ile iletişiminde anlaşılmaması veya ailede, çocuğun içinde bulunduğu döneme yönelik gergin bir ortamın olması gibi durumlarda çocuklarda dürüstlükten ayrılmalar gözlemlenebilir.

Cezadan kaçmak ve sorumluluktan kurtulmak için çocuk doğruluktan ayrılabilir. Örneğin; yaşının üstünde beklentilere girilmesi durumunda görevini yerine getiremeyince çocuk doğruluktan ayrılarak kurtuluş çareleri bulmaya çalışabilir.

Çocuğun dürüst davranmadığı anlaşıldığında ne yapılmalı?

• Çocuğa “Doğruyu söylersen kızmayacağım” denildiği hâlde, doğruyu söylediğinde çocuk azarlanıyorsa, dürüst olma cesaretini kaybedebilir.
• Çocuğun yaşamında her şeyin iyi gittiğinden emin olunmalıdır.
• Çocuğa başarabileceği sorumluluklar verilmelidir.
• Çocuğa baskı uygulayarak doğruyu söyletmeye çalışılmamalıdır.
• Çocuğun dürüst olmadığı bilindiği hâlde, bir şey yok gibi de davranılmamalıdır. Çocuğun dürüst olmadığı fark edildiğinde suçlama, aşağılama, yargılama yerine çocukla empati kurularak iletişime geçilmeli ve çocuk incitilmemelidir.
• Çocuğun zor bir durumda, dürüstlükten ayrılmadığı zamanlarda çocuk takdir edilerek davranış ödüllendirilmelidir.
• Dürüstlük hakkında konuşulmak için sakin ortamlar tercih edilmelidir.
• Çocuğa karşı dürüst davranışlar sergilenerek model olunmalıdır.
• Çocuklar 2-6 yaş arası dönemde bir yalan söyleyip daha sonra “Şaka yaptım!” diyebilirler. Şaka ile yalanı karıştırabilir. Bu durumda; şaka ile yalan arasındaki fark hakkında çocuk bilgilendirilmelidir.
• Dürüstlük çocuklara sadece iyi şeyler söylemek değildir. Gerektiği zaman ebeveynler, çocuklarını doğru davranışın takdir edilmesi gibi yanlış davranışın da düzeltilmesi hususunda bilgi aktarılmalıdır.
• Çocuğa; dürüst olunmadığında, hiçbir koşulda bu hataya tolerans gösterilmeyeceği tüm açıklığıyla ifade edilmelidir.
• Evde çocuğa dürüstlüğü öğretme amacıyla dürüstlük hakkında hikâyeler anlatmak çocuğun bu değerin önemini anlamasına yardımcı olacaktır.
• Çocuğunuza karşı aşırı yumuşak ya da aşırı sert olmayın. Çocuğunuz size gerçeği söylediğinde, ona aşırı tepki vermeniz çocuğunuzun korkmasına neden olacaktır.
• Çocuğunuzu dürüst davranmadığı için yargılamayın. Bunun yerine, “Acaba, bana anlatman gereken ama unuttuğun bir şeyler olabilir mi?”, “Biraz düşünmen daha rahat hatırlamanı sağlayacaktır.” vb. ifadeler tercih edilebilir.
• Çocuğunuzu dürüstlükten uzak davranışlar sergilediği hâlde onu korumanız çocuğunuzun bu davranışını onayladığınız anlamına gelir bu tür davranışlardan kaçınılmalıdır.
• İhtiyaç duymanız hâlinde, bu problemi çözmek için “Rehberlik Servisi” veya “Rehberlik ve Araştırma Merkezi”nden destek almaktan çekinmeyin.

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